Friday, November 7, 2014


You know?  When I ask:  What more could go wrong?  I wish the universe would understand that it's only a rhetorical question, and not a test.  I'm not testing the universe to ACTUALLY see what could go wrong, but here it is....I'm presented with:  What is happening?

Medicaid....For years and YEARS!!!  Would write letters to my son's doctors stating we're not going to give you the money for his Neupogen because the kid is healthy.  And the doctors always write back going you dopes!  Without the Neupogen, the kid will get sick and die.

So, as a worried mom, I applied for disability for him.  Why?  Because Cyclic Neutropenia is a disability.  If he doesn't have the medication to be treated, he will die.  If he has the medication, there are side effects.

He gets tired very easily....Not only did he sleep for 10 hours last night, but he also happened to have fallen asleep for an extra two hours today.  Yes, the drug makes him very lethargic, and unfocused.

He's going to school...And I want him to get his high school diploma.  But disability and Medicaid don't see it that way.  All they see is he's 18.  He needs to work.

He got held back twice due to all of his illnesses.  And even with the shots, he still gets sick.  He just got over a very bad staph infection a few weeks ago.  Yes, this is SERIOUS stuff.

So now, disability has determined that my son is no longer disabled.  I'm sorry but when does a disability just fade away?  Ever?

Now what???

Well, because he was already approved for disability, no lawyer wants to take the case.  Now, I have to file appeals that could take months and in the meantime, that means he goes without medication for his illness.

I am so distraught, it's unreal.

How did I single-handedly get sought out?

What about those that fake their disabilities?

I guess they don't count....

Monday, it'll be time for me to be hanging around the Social Security office, talking to someone daily.  20 something miles there and back every day....Because that makes so much sense!!!


Wednesday, November 5, 2014


I can't seem to think of the flipping topic I wanted to talk about.  I had just posted something about how Virgos like me get along with other zodiacs, but then I took it down.  Well I took down the one on Wordpress, but you can still find the one on Blogger....Well, now I'll set it back to unpublished.

I was writing it and then it dawned on me.  I don't want to make anyone to feel bad.  These are just my experiences with certain signs I've been around.  It doesn't mean EVERY single person is like that.  In fact, I found friends on the other side of the world that seem nothing like their sign.  That is the honest to god truth.

So, with that being said, the post...all the posts are down now....

If ever I do decide to publish it again, perhaps I should add this note to it.

What Element Are You?

Originally written in my journal on 11/4/14

I deleted everything. It sounded obnoxious what I originally wrote.

I'm an earth sign.  I'm a Virgo.  What's your element and sign?

Fire Signs:

Water Signs:

Air Signs: 

Earth Signs: 


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Monday, November 3, 2014

Born Wrong

I was born wrong
Perhaps I'll always be
Never to be right
Always to be wrong

When I defend myself
I'm a bitch
When I say nothing
I'm a bitch

No matter what I say, act, or do
I am wrong

I guess if majority votes
Then yes
I'm a bitch
I am wrong

After all
I was born into this world
To be told I'm always wrong

11/3/14 ©DJ

Poem, No Rhyme,

All Against Me

"When it rains, it pours."  That was the slogan of the Morton salt company.  On the cover was a girl with an umbrella...Remember that???

Well, you don't know just how true that fact is...

Today, I am the bad guy, or gal.  I'm the bad girl...Yeah, that's it.

I'm the girl that doesn't get paid for my work.  I supposedly sit at home all day long and do absolutely nothing at all.

So yeah, when I get stressed out, I get annoyed.  I get my name called every five minutes around this house.  I get called so much, I think about changing my name to something they'll never be able to pronounce.

But when I call their names...Silence.  This is how the game goes.  I get the silent treatment.  It doesn't matter if I'm dead tired after cooking or cleaning all day.  It doesn't matter if I can't get up because my back or my foot hurts.  It doesn't matter if I have a raging headache or anxiety has crept up into me, making me want to hurl.  None of that matters.  It doesn't matter if my immune system is low and I'm searching for leftover antibiotics around the house to prevent the bronchitis from developing into pneumonia.

What matters is everyone else around this house.  I don't count.

So when I call someone and get the silent treatment, I do tend to get mad.

Then I'm told, "I wish that was my only problem in the world."  Like my problems or feelings don't matter at all.

I'm insignificant...I'm unimportant.

As long as I do my civic duties as a housewife and mom, that's all that matters.

But what would happen if I just got up and left?

They would only miss me for a nano second....And then it would all start back up again.

I was told that every answer I get is the wrong answer....That I deem it as the wrong answer.

The only thing I've ever said is the way they respond to me with their answers.  I have one that gives me a snooty attitude with every answer he gives.  Instead of saying yes ma'am or no ma'am, it's YESSSSS  or NOOOOOO, oh and my favorite,  GOD!  WHY CAN'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!!!  That one is always a personal favorite of mine.  It's never an answer given with compassion.  Just attitude.

I didn't realize I asked for much.

They personally want a housewife/mom that stays silent...Mute.  Says nothing at all.

I didn't realize this was the nineteen fucking fifties...

So I'm a housewife....I'm a bit of a non-traditional housewife.  I don't smoke or watch soaps or eat chocolate.  I do laundry and take care of the animals and make sure the medicines are in order.  I pay the bills and balance the checkbook.

I drive around here and there.  And here I sit crying in silence because it doesn't matter what I think after all.

But it's two against one in this household, therefore I must be the asshole.  I must be wrong.


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Sunday, November 2, 2014

The Ultimate Anxiety

I have been at a crossroads today...

OK, so maybe it's not just today.  Maybe it's been building up for a few days now.

To tell the truth, I don't usually watch movies or television shows where the actor/actress dies during my time.

I have a hard time with it.  When Lucille Ball died, I stopped watching I Love Lucy shows.  When John Ritter died, I never watched a single episode of Three's Company again.

Usually, a few years will pass and I will be able to accept it again and be able to watch their shows/movies again.

But Valentino movies give me the creeps and so do silent films and half the actors that died so tragically.  Yet, I still watch them for some morbid reason.

I recently watched The Crow the other night.  It was my first time watching it.  I couldn't watch it around the time Brandon Lee died.  Then again...There are some things I can't stomach immediately.  Like when Kurt Cobain committed suicide, I didn't listen to Nirvana for years.

I was more of a Soundgarden kind of gal anyway.

So, I have death on my mind.  And though I know that the universe is infinite, what's the guarantee that we were reborn or that we will be reborn again?

I feel like I've lived past lives before, so why does all this death freak me out???

Earlier tonight, I've discovered the terminally ill patient that moved to Oregon to end her life, has passed on.

All I kept on thinking is WTF is wrong with the world that we focus on sh*t like this???

Why can't we discuss the pandas being born in the zoo or something?

Why can't social media focus on more positive things in the world out there?

Are we really a morbid global community?

Is it not just me?

I know I can't be the only one that thinks about this crap.

I woke up this morning after having a dream that a friend of mine had a karaoke show, and I went to it.  The only problem about my dream was my friend had passed away back in February of this year.  I always thought he would have outlived me even though he was older.

I'm the one with the weak immune system.  Being out in public for too long gets me sick.  I get really bad bronchial infections.

I admire my other half, Andy, with him going to dialysis.  I've always told him one trip would probably kill me because my immune system is so compromised...

That's life, I suppose.

I've just been having constant anxiety.  It starts out as headaches, and works it's way up to nausea.  Well, that's how it works for me...No matter how much exercise I get.

Here's a poem I wrote from two years ago...I'll just leave you at that:

Oh how I wish you
Would stop running me ragged

You confuse and upset me
Twist and turn me

Make me jumpy
Lose my balance

I can't think
I can't breathe

Can barely sleep
When you're around

I wish you gone
Take your spells and leave

Take the negative with you as well

Let me be calm
Let me be in peace

That's all I ask

5/17/12 written by ©Diana Jillian

Poem, No Rhyme, Picture,



I probably shouldn't be giving away my secret, but a good stalker is the kind that never gets caught.  For me, I am always looking up people.  I'm curious.  I'm an observer if you will.  I always have to know who I'm interacting with, and I have to know what they're all about.  That's just who I am...That's just how I roll.

So, if I can, I find them on Facebook...I Google them.  But this is how I've always been.  Yeah, I probably could make a good private investigator, and make myself $329,104 per year...or month.  I'm not sure how this payroll thing works.

So, yeah, a good stalker would be a private investigator, and probably someone who knows their chocolate.  Ha!!!  I have no idea.  I just threw that in for the prompts.

Speaking of chocolate....I wanted to post a different video from this movie, but I can't find it.  But this was cute too.


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