Sunday, November 2, 2014

The Ultimate Anxiety

I have been at a crossroads today...

OK, so maybe it's not just today.  Maybe it's been building up for a few days now.

To tell the truth, I don't usually watch movies or television shows where the actor/actress dies during my time.

I have a hard time with it.  When Lucille Ball died, I stopped watching I Love Lucy shows.  When John Ritter died, I never watched a single episode of Three's Company again.

Usually, a few years will pass and I will be able to accept it again and be able to watch their shows/movies again.

But Valentino movies give me the creeps and so do silent films and half the actors that died so tragically.  Yet, I still watch them for some morbid reason.

I recently watched The Crow the other night.  It was my first time watching it.  I couldn't watch it around the time Brandon Lee died.  Then again...There are some things I can't stomach immediately.  Like when Kurt Cobain committed suicide, I didn't listen to Nirvana for years.

I was more of a Soundgarden kind of gal anyway.

So, I have death on my mind.  And though I know that the universe is infinite, what's the guarantee that we were reborn or that we will be reborn again?

I feel like I've lived past lives before, so why does all this death freak me out???

Earlier tonight, I've discovered the terminally ill patient that moved to Oregon to end her life, has passed on.

All I kept on thinking is WTF is wrong with the world that we focus on sh*t like this???

Why can't we discuss the pandas being born in the zoo or something?

Why can't social media focus on more positive things in the world out there?

Are we really a morbid global community?

Is it not just me?

I know I can't be the only one that thinks about this crap.

I woke up this morning after having a dream that a friend of mine had a karaoke show, and I went to it.  The only problem about my dream was my friend had passed away back in February of this year.  I always thought he would have outlived me even though he was older.

I'm the one with the weak immune system.  Being out in public for too long gets me sick.  I get really bad bronchial infections.

I admire my other half, Andy, with him going to dialysis.  I've always told him one trip would probably kill me because my immune system is so compromised...

That's life, I suppose.

I've just been having constant anxiety.  It starts out as headaches, and works it's way up to nausea.  Well, that's how it works for me...No matter how much exercise I get.

Here's a poem I wrote from two years ago...I'll just leave you at that:

Oh how I wish you
Would stop running me ragged

You confuse and upset me
Twist and turn me

Make me jumpy
Lose my balance

I can't think
I can't breathe

Can barely sleep
When you're around

I wish you gone
Take your spells and leave

Take the negative with you as well

Let me be calm
Let me be in peace

That's all I ask

5/17/12 written by ©Diana Jillian

Poem, No Rhyme, Picture,


  1. i get extremely overwhelmed to DAna. I can't switch off, and i get över emotional".
    Im just a bit better at hiding it perhaps.
    Its crazy living like this. I got freaked out yesterday, listeni g to songs from a couple of my all time favorite artists who have all since passed on. That freaks me out so much.

    1. It's weird, right? I swear it's like some days I'm OK with all this and other days, I'm screaming on the inside, feeling like I'm about to suffocate. These past few days just so happened to have been the days where I lost my unicorn somewhere in my rainbow universe.