Thursday, September 25, 2014

A Tiring Day

Hey Everyone!!!

I spent all of Tuesday and last night in an awakened stupor.  I don't even know how else to explain it.  I had way too much on the noggin lately, and this was after the fact of reading an article on how to stop over-thinking.  Where do I start?

Hi!  My name is Diana, and I'm an over-thinker.  I'm at the 12 step programs all over again.  But the truth is, we all battle addictions of some sort.  They don't have to be drug, gambling, or alcohol related.  We're human; designed with flaws.

But who really labels them as flaws?  I'd like to believe it's those that make the surface of themselves seem perfect, when really, they're broken-down inside.

The problem is I'm not broken.

It's like that Evanescence song Hello:  "Don't try to fix me I'm not broken."  I can always post the link.

Anyway, that wasn't what I was getting at....I think...Er, I'm not sure.  I am really sleep-deprived and sore right now.  I feel like my energy has been drained completely.

This happens to me sometimes...Especially when I'm in public places for too long.  I pick up on the energy of strangers.  I have to learn how to block more.  Eh, I shall shut up about that now.

In any case.  I've been babysitting for Andy's great-niece.  I know Andy and I have been together for the past 15 years, but I still don't feel comfortable calling his nieces and nephew/great-nieces/nephew my nieces/nephews, let alone great-nieces and great-nephews.

For one thing, I'm too young to be considered an aunt to people that are 28, 26, and 24....Now I'm old enough to be an aunt to a 7, 4 and 3 year old, but a great aunt?!?!?!?  Did I miss something???  There is a huge gap between mine and Andy's age.  Well, not really.  But we are 11 years apart.

His mother is two years older than my grandma.  My mom had me just two days before her 19th birthday.  I have cousins for crying out loud that are younger than his nieces and nephews.  It's just all....WEIRD.

In any case...Yes, In any case again....I said to myself about 5 years ago...If I can't have any more kids, then I do NOT want to be babysitting.  I don't want to be a preschool teacher anymore.  It pains me to be around such bright little kids and not be able to go home to one.

I'm sorry but it does.  So I have this "don't care" switch (or so to speak) that I have to turn off because if I don't, I would have lost it a long time ago.

So here's my shut off switch...Not giving a sh*t has kicked in...YEAH!!! RIGHT!!!  Someone has always got to turn my switch back on even when I turn it off.

Four years ago I was asked to babysit for four girls.....Then three years ago I had gigs here and there.  Two years ago the same and last year I went back to watching I kid who had just turned 9.  The last time I watched her before was when she was 4 and her mom grew jealous of our relationship, so she decided to keep the kid home with some random stranger that was living in her house at the time.  I just edited what I really wanted to say but I think you catch my drift.

Not to mention, I was taking Andy's great-nephew to school on specific days.  That wasn't so bad.  But now I have been babysitting his 4 year old great niece.

Don't get me wrong.  She's a dynamic girl.  She's got a fantastic personality...She's so bubbly and funny and full of life.....But reality sets in...She's not mine and I cannot keep her.

I get I was volunteered to watch her...That's fine.  I'm used to being used like a worn out dish-rag and all...But when I meant I DIDN'T want to be around kids....I REALLY MEANT IT!!!

I'm gonna go because the shut off switch to not caring seems to be busted and the water works button seems to be in full effect.


Random, Blog


I don't know how
I thought that I wanted...
Now I look back
And think
What the f*ck was I thinking???

Too much
Too much
Just way too much!!!!

Peeling back the layers
Watching my existence
Slowly die
Rotting flesh
Getting older

It sucks

And yet
I still dare dream
Like a naive child

When will I learn?

When it gets to be
Too much

Written by ©Diana Jillian 9/25/14

Poem, No Rhyme,

Monday, September 22, 2014

Am I Remembered?


I am lost in the world of the unknown
I sigh as I keep looking in the rear view mirror
I keep on torturing myself, unbeknownst to me


It's beyond me

I often wonder if those I had once left behind
Left them behind, I might say, for good reason
Do they ever even stop to think about me?

When a birthday passes by
Or a silly, subtle little reminder
Was I ever really on their minds?

Was I ever really a care?
In the lost pretend world of make-believe
As we now all know how Hollywood writers feel

Closeness of friends and family doesn't exist like it does on TV
You are a forgotten thought, forever lost in a cobweb of memory
To only be thought of only when it's convenient for them

Thank you for f-ing with my mind, Hollywood
And now I know why I no longer buy into your propaganda
You give a falsely sense of comfort, only to rip it away with reality


It's beyond me.

Written 9/22/14 by ©Diana Jillian

Poem, No Rhyme,

Sunday, September 21, 2014

The Taste of Fall

The following poem is inspired by the song Moonglow by Benny Goodman

Written by ©Diana Jillian 9/21/14

Lifted up on a good feeling
Picking is right for the stealing
Leaves from green to red and gold

Kisses under the soft moon glow
Feeling that gentle breeze blow
The freshly feel of a new season

Picking fallen apples from the ground
Cornucopia of corn to pass all around
Used specifically to eat or decorate

All of the amazing colors landing into fall
Shades of reds and yellows to savor it all
You have not landed in the world of Oz

Light cool breeze that brushes your skin
The end of the heat as the cool sets in
Waiting and savoring for the taste of fall