Friday, December 6, 2013

Leaving The Past Alone

Leaving The Past Alone
Written by ©Diana Jillian 12/6/13

I am guilty of falling in love with the memories
I have fallen in love with the picture and name
But not the true self of the being
That causes suffering and pain

They say a camera never tells a lie
But I beg to differ
The picture seems different
Than the mirror

But I know that when it all boils down to in the end
I will always be the same person I’ve always been
Maybe I just failed to notice the signs of others
Or there was a beauty of theirs I sought to win

But life’s too short to go chasing after others
And I will never again ever be that chaser
Instead I will try to leave you behind
Written with pencil and a big eraser


Sunday, August 25, 2013

Summertime Blues

“There ain’t no cure for the summertime blues.”
There’s a lot of messy grays mixed with hues

And I know as I’m from the Land of Flowers
Lightning shows us its thunderous powers

But I am volitorial, a magnificent part of seven
Watch as I fly straight into the heaven

And just like watching birds on a wire
There’s no stopping me once I’m on fire

Written by ©Diana Jillian 8/25/13

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Not Going Down

It is said I'm one of the chosen people
But I feel trapped under a steeple
Relentless with your slavery and genocide
But I won't sit idle, I won't run and hide

And as I get treated as an abomination
Rather than a human of the same nation
Why don't you tell me, blow my mind
And tell me what exactly is my kind?

You make me feel ashamed.  All your shame
And daily I manage to rise above the pain
Because you speak of words that are untrue
Lying and saying I'm nothing like you

And what you force upon you call preach
Yet you do not learn from what you teach
And when they don't follow you set out a blast
To obliterate and make them an outcast

All those harsh colors, so many paints
Tell me now, who's the devil's saints?

Written by ©Diana Jillian 6/25/13


Thursday, June 20, 2013


Writing is similar to praying...In a way. You don't start writing when things are going bad and you don't stop writing when things are going good. And vice versa.

Random, Blog,

Thursday, June 6, 2013


The anxiety is rising. It's driving and thriving.
Taking over all of me.
There is no room
I cannot breathe
Cannot be free
From the gripping terror it has over me
And feeling what I feel with my endless mind
Time has never shown me anything kind
Not when my mind is unclean
Messy and completely unseen
Try as I might
Lost in the flight
I will find common ground
I will find the lost found
And like waves out in the ocean
When tempering winds cause commotion
Eventually there is a calm that arises
Quietly and amazingly full of surprises
I think I can....
I am me once again.

Written by ©Diana Jillian 6/6/13

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Life As I Know It

Life As I Know It
Written by ©Diana Jillian 6/2/13

And as I feel the heat of the summer
I sit asunder and I am full of wonder
As to where did all the thunder
Go and why did it fall under?

No lightning to connect
The charge of the effect
I reek of total neglect
And let the pain sublet

Into the far reaches of my brain
For I have fallen completely insane
To find true love without any maim
My dreams have fallen inane

And if that wasn't bad you'd think I'd have had
Common decency to walk away but I must've been bad
In a past life or something where I deserve to be this sad
And before you draw any conclusions no I'm not mad

Well, not quite mad anyway
But I keep my thoughts at bay
And madly write away
How one day there will be a day

I will arise above and be free
But I know it will never happen to me
So a gal like me remains in dream
Forever in a momentous reverie

Call me a schemer or a dreamer
Either way I'm a firm believer
Of the fantasy world never to seether
No longer capable of finding a deceiver

I am me in this world stuck in real
Where numbness kicks in to not feel
Of rotten lemons were given in deal
Feel the stench when I pull the peel

This life wasn't ever suppose to be meant for me
Perhaps in the next life it will be better to see
Of the possibilities I once thought I could be
Forever staring back at the shadows of me


Saturday, June 1, 2013


There's a reason why I love this show...I think it was first season...but it's funny...Not meant to insult of be rude in any way.

Hansel?  Hansel????

The Hansel bit was from Bugs Bunny...Yes I was deeply corrupted as a child! ;)

Funny, Picture, Geek,

Monday, May 27, 2013

You Asked For It


That was an excerpt from Silence of the Lambs.  Ha!  I don't know how else I'm going to incorporate that into a blog other than that.  Don't laugh but I never actually seen the movies.  I have a hard time watching movies about humans doing horrid things.  Ghosts, zombies...those things I can understand but not the human mind.  Life is too fragile to be wasting it away watching human behavior...IMO anyway...  Okay, I'm done yapping...Let me tell you a story of what happened to me the other day...

I was away at Venice, um, Florida...Not California...BTW:  Venice Florida is much MUCH better...But I won't say anymore than that.  Okay, so I was away at Venice Beach though I so love Siesta Key.  The sand is Gorgeous there!!!  White sand that feels like baby powder.  If you're ever in the Sarasota area, I highly recommend going there though good luck trying to find a spot on Memorial or Labor day.   But anyway, these are one of my favorite vacation spots.

It was heading towards sunset time and I do love to watch the sunset.  The sun sets around here this time fully close to 9....I started enjoying it around 8-ish or so.  I sat there in the sand and I put away my pad and pencil....Both of which are made from naturally occurring substances. Both are made from trees and such!!!  I won't get into much more....Oh, yes!  Where was I...Right.  Moving on.

I must have dozed off for a bit because when I woke up, there was a young man sitting next to me.  Apparently, he enjoys watching strange women drool in their sleep and whatnot.  Okay, so maybe I wasn't drooling like you think I was but when I awoke, I was pretty shocked to see this man sitting next to me.

"Are you lost," I asked him.

He just smiles as if something I said was a joke or something.

"Just watching the view," his blue eyes were practically boring into mine.

I look away from him and back to the sunset where the sky is now colored with orange, pink, and purple hues.  It sure is a sight to see.

"It sure is nice to see," I agreed with him.  When I looked back at him, I noticed he was still staring at me.

Then he asked me the most strangest question.  He asked, "What if I told you that today was the last that you'll ever see the sun?"

I answered a question with a question.  "Are you into Tiger Army?"

He just smiled his mesmerizing smile and said, "No.  But today is the last that you'll ever see the sun."

Okay, so that was the end of my trip to the beach....alone.  And falling asleep....Whoa!!!  BIG mistake.  Never happening again.  I folded up my chair and stood up.

"Well, it was nice meeting you," though I was lying.  I didn't want to be rude and say, "Well, it was truly creepy meeting you."

"We'll meet again tomorrow night," he told me.

"Um, I don't want to be rude," I said.  "But I don't even know you."

"Cody," he said.

"Diana," I said.

"I know," he said.

"You do?"


"But how?  I've never seen you before until today."

"Oh, but you have, my dear, you have."

"I have?"

"Yes," he repeated.

"Then why don't I remember you?"

"Because each night you fall asleep and each morning you wake up with no memory.   You have been coming to the beach every day for quite some time now."

"How long is 'quite some time'?"  I grew curious about that one.  I mean, wouldn't I remember being at the beach every day now and meeting some handsome young man every time.  A creepy handsome young man but I can't deny his good looks.

"It's been about ten years now," he replied.

I give him a strange look.  "Ten years?"

"Yes and for the past two years, I've been trying to wake you up."

"And we've been having the same conversation for the past two years now?"  Why I was playing into his game, I have had no clue.

"Well, kind of," was his reply.  "Each day for the past two years, I've been entering into your dreams, trying to talk to you.  And each day, you forget who I am."

"I do?"


"Wait," I began.  "Why only the last two years if I've been away for the past ten."

"Because I didn't know there were ways to enter into your dreams up until two years ago.  I've been trying for years just to wake you up."

That day had grown more bizarre by the minute.  I mean, surely I would remember this guy, right?  And how is it that every day I would forget him?

"Okay," I gave a sarcastic tone.  "Say I've been in this coma for ten years.  How did I get here?"

"You were in an accident."

"What, like a car accident?"

"Well," he paused.  "Not exactly."

"So, am I supposed to be dead?"

"Yes and no."

What kind of an answer is that?  I wonder.  "Yes and no," I repeated slowly.

"I may have told you too much," he replied.

"I don't understand," I said.  I pick up my book and pencil and start to walk away.  Surely this man is insane.  He's just some stranger and he's playing some serious games with me.  Or so I thought he was.

"What's the last thing you remember?"  He called out to me.

I paused dead in my tracks.  What was the last thing I remember?  I turn around to face him.  "You mean besides this bizarre conversation I'm having with you?  You're a complete stranger.  I do not know you."

"Just think, Diana," he was practically begging me.  "Do you not remember anything before arriving at the beach?  Do you remember how you got here?"

"Well, um," I was truly trying to think about this.  The truth is, with him speaking, I can't recall.  I replied with, "No."

Oh God!  I thought to myself.  Why can't I remember?  I dropped all of my belongings down and I plopped myself down on the ground.  I wanted to remember so badly.  Cody walked over to me, kneeling beside me.

"This must be a breakthrough," he said.  "You're willing to remember this time."  I feel as he brushed his finger across my cheek to wipe away my tear.  "Please don't cry.  I wasn't trying to hurt you."

I said, "For some reason, I believe you."

"You do?"

"Yes.  But I don't understand.  Why do I forget you every day?"

"What you went through was a tough ordeal.  Most would have perished by now but you're tough.  You're hanging in there for some reason.  I know that if you remember everything, you will want to come back to the land of the living."

"Ten years is a long time," I found myself saying.  "Why would you wait ten years?"

"I promised I'd be with you for all eternity."

"All eternity," I repeated.  The word, "eternity," is ringing a bell.

Suddenly flashes of Cody's face is popping up in my mind.  I somehow do remember him but it's still all very vague.

"You're remembering something, aren't you?"  Cody spoke to me.

"Yes, I-I think so."  And then my mind flashed back to something odd.  "Were we in high school together?  Did we ever do a play?"

"A play?"  He raised his eyebrow at me.

"Yeah," I reply.  "It was a play based on Greek mythology."

He smiled at me.  "You're recalling very early memories."

My eyes widened.  "Very early memories?"

"Yes," he replied.  "We've been around since the beginning of time."

Okay, so in my head at this point in time, I was ready to run for the hills.

"That is not possible," I protested.

He chuckled.  "And why not?"

"People don't live very long."

"We're not just mere humans, my dear."  His tone indicated he's being very serious.

"No," I said and got up to turn around.  "No. No. No. No. No.  This is not real.  You are not here and neither is this scenery.  You're right though.  I am obviously dreaming and I need to wake up.  But I know when I wake up, you won't be there and I'll be home and in my bed."

"Why do you think I am not real?"

"Because you're me."

"I'm you?"  His tone was puzzling.

"Yes," I answer.  "Freud said when we dream of others, we are dreaming of ourselves."

"Freud was a cocaine addict and a womanizer.  All his theories were philosophical.  We used to laugh at him, remember?"

"No," I candidly answered.

"And where do you think home is?"

"Home is," I paused and turned back around.  "I don't know."  I felt sad again.  I plopped myself back down on the sand.

I looked all around me.  There had to be some kind of a logical explanation for all this.  I look down at the pencil and paper and came up with an idea.

"They say if you're about to die in a dream, you wake up, am I right?"

"That's not always the case," Cody seemed stumped by my question.  It's right there that I realized we had never gone this far conversation wise.

"Well," I say as I pick up the pencil.  "If I stab myself with this piece of wood, I should awake."

"You don't know that," Cody said.  He truly looked concerned.

"It's worth a shot," I said.  "I don't know you.  I don't remember you and the flashes that popped up were very vague.  I'm sorry.  I wish I could remember more but I don't."

"Surely you would remember something  or else you wouldn't have introduced yourself to me."

"Maybe," I said.  "But this is far too bizarre and I don't want to live another ten years on a beach, waking up every day, with you creeping up on me and saying things like this is the last that I'll ever see the sun.  I mean, are we vampires or something?"

He laughed at my gesture.  "Vampires?  Absolutely not.  But this is definitely a sign that you are remembering.  We were cursed because of the love we have for each other.  We die every day and at night we live together.  Then ten years ago, you died and when I woke up, I noticed you didn't wake up.  You went into a coma."

"How did that happen?"  I looked at him with curiosity.

"I was working on something to break the curse and," he paused.  "I better not say anymore until you remember."

"Alright then, Mr. Cryptic," I found myself say.  "If you won't tell me then I guess I have nothing left to lose."

I take the pencil and jam it as hard as I can through me.  I can feel as it pierces through my esophagus and then my heart.

I started gasping for breath and then noticed, I was no longer on the beach anymore.  I was sitting up in bed.  Cody, who was by my side, woke up as well.

"Welcome back, finally."  He gave me a hug.

For some reason, I felt like hugging him back and so I did.  I break free from him.

"Do you still have the cure?"  I asked him.

"I do," he answered.

"And have you taken it yet?"

"Not without you, my love."

"Then let's take this.  I need to talk to him."

He asked, "Are you sure you want to do that?"

I nod.  "He is my father and for some reason, he has never liked the idea of me being with you.  We have been on different sides.  But I need to tell him he can't control me like this anymore.  After all I am thousands of years old.  It's time he stops treating me like a little girl."

Cody smiled.  "So you do remember?  Everything?"

"It's all coming back in bits and pieces," I admitted.  "Boy do we have a long line of history we shared."

"We sure do," he replied.

"Let's take this cure and head out," I said.

"It sounds good to me."

We both took the cure and headed out to speak to my father.  I feel so alive because for the first time in centuries, I am not dead during the day, missing the warmth of the sunlight.  And for the first time in a decade, I am not dreaming of a fake enjoyment on the beach.

 I remembered everything thanks to the pencil I had handy.  And of course, thanks to Cody for never giving up.

That's about all with the story.  Oh and you might be wondering what I am.  You see, my mother was human and my father was one of the angels that was cast down from heaven into hell with Lucifer and other fallen angels.  Cody, on the other hand, had a human father and an angel mother that was not cast down from heaven.

His mother's missions were to be placed here on earth.  And as Nephilim, we are neither cast to spend eternity in heaven or hell.  It's earth.  And while some of us are bad, not all of us are.  But that's another story for another time.

Written by ©Diana Jillian 5/27/13

IDK...Some fan pic...Dean Winchester's face on the body of the dude from the movie Legion.

Nephilim, Short Story, Chapter, Series,

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

What a...LIFE!!!

A little rant here and there and then I guess I am done.

I was going to write some poetry so be aware if this post suddenly disappears with something actually poetic rather than my ranting on and on....

I have failed...

As a parent...

As a wife...

As a daughter....

As a sister....

As a human being....

What happened to my life?

That's beyond me.

I'm so far!

I don't recall asking for this life.

I don't recall asking for a dying husband.

He's only 46 and I 35.

I don't recall asking for a child that doesn't listen

A child that will NOT get his education

And risk me going to jail.

I don't recall asking for a child to be so completely different from me.

I don't recall asking for a child the replica of my mother

I don't recall wanting to stay grounded

And never leave

I don't recall asking for the daily tears.

I definitely don't recall having to suffer for wanting to go to school

To get an education

To have a better job that I DON'T have

I don't recall asking for shitty friends

And worse shitty family

What's up with that???

I just don't recall asking for all this bad

What I do recall...

Is asking for good things

Like a good job

And coming into money

And being good at what I do best

And being thin...Definitely the thin part.

So why am I writing this?

Because writing is my only outlet...

Even if no one else listen (Which they don't, BTW)

I know my paper will never fail......

It has no choice but to listen

And feel my pain

When I pour my ink out

Letting the paper stain....

That rhymed though I didn't intend for that.

I'm done now...


Written by ©Diana Jillian 5/21/13

Poem, Prose, No Rhyme,

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Never Go To College Unless You Can Afford It

You know.  Normally I don't post such crummy things like this.  But something needs to be said.

All I had wanted for 13 years after high school was to go to college.  That's all I wanted.  Nothing more.

Well my financial aid ran out because I used up all 6 years of full terms....Though I don't know how I used up 6 full years considering every time I tried to go back to school I failed miserably.  I always had something to do.

Work would give me an opportunity to make money.  My son would get sick and I would have to take him to the doctor.  I would oversleep because I barely ever get any sleep.  Then I would be late to class.  There was always something that was getting in my way of getting that education that's supposed to be "so important" to have.

Well guess what?  The only thing that you have to deal with when you're a person like me is student loans...

Yup....Those stupid student loans.

I miscalculated my future planning.  I thought for sure that the moment I graduate, Casey would be 18 and I'd be free to get a job.  A full-time job I may add.

What stops me from getting a full-time job now?  His medical benefits.  I would lose it and then have to find a way to pay 10,000 a month in medical bills all just to keep my kid from getting sick and possibly dying.

I haven't had a job in 3 years.  Have I tried to look for a job?  Yes.  I have.  In fact, while I spent my 9 miserable years working for a company that treated me like crap, I was looking for better work then.

I couldn't find it no matter how hard I tried.  You need a degree...You need a degree...You need a degree.  So I get one and boom. Now I'm over-qualified.  I have an ASSOCIATES degree and I'm over-qualified.  That's just their way of saying that they're too cheap to pay me what I deserve to be paid.

Which is why minimum wage keeps going up.  Good job America!!!

If you don't have the money, don't go to college.  You're smart enough.

Never get a student loan because they will confuse the snot out of you.  I got student loans specifically for classes.  Now I'm finding out that I owe on personal student loans.  I made a payment...A small one.  I want to pay off the ones with the higher interest first and be able to move on from there.

I can do this...I know I can.  I just have to focus on one thing at a time and I will get to where I need to be.

But please just because I catch a break doesn't mean most won't.

I can't find a job right now because of Andy and his illness.  I will figure all this out in good timing.

I know in the end...With the proper shielding and guidance....Everything will work out well.

Random, Blog, Venting,

Sunday, May 5, 2013

You Can't Fool Me

“Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.” 
Winston Churchill has said it best
And as I type here I wonder about those lame telemarketers
Who lack a soul; who have no zest

I am an earth sign.  Virgo is my zodiac.
Other elements tend to restrain me but I remain
Grounded to my roots I remain calm to a point
When I attack, you’ll see who’s won this game

One push too far I will not hide my sweet side
I will show you my fangs and just how hard I bite
You will wonder what it was you did that was so wrong
I will point out all your flaws with all of my might

If you still fail to see, I will then calm my earth self down
No longer causing those quakes that made you quiver
Forgiveness is what I know best of all things
But I walk away forever and will leave you in shiver

Do not mess with earth people as they know it best
They try to stay as calm as they possibly can be
Tread lightly as they say on mother earth
Elements be warned, you can’t fool me

You can’t fool any earth.

5/5/13 Written by ©Diana Jillian

Poem, Picture,

Thursday, May 2, 2013

No Warning

It all came without warning
As I woke up to this groggy morning

And I ask you where is the sun?
On this dreary day that's gone for a run

And left behind gray clouds to play
Dripping their menacing tears today

Rain, rain, rain in the sunshine state
On days like these, I never want to awake

And for now, I must wait
For I know that the place of fate

And it will end when it says when
That's my queue to count to ten

After the rain, snowbirds arrive
Crushing and bruising, yet one must survive

Written by ©Diana Jillian Thursday, 5/2/13


Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Leaving The Past

Leaving the Past  
Written by ©Diana Jillian 4/30/13, Tuesday

Who knows where it truly goes?
How you know where the river really flows?
All I know is I’m slowly learning to letting go

And as I slowly learn
It’s what I truly yearn
For the past to keep present

And I know it’s very, very wrong
And I keep singing the same damn song
I know what truly needs to be done

And it’s hard to let it all go
But when you finally do let go
The truer you emerges free

And who knows where this new journey leads us?
Destinations far and wide by plane, car, truck or bus
Maybe by train or just plainly walking, heading to the unknown

And it’s scary at first and instead of moving you retract
Looking over your shoulder, reliving the pain, you reenact
And it’s that step, that last step that never moves forward

You’ve found your position known in the comfort zone
Not realizing it leaves you paralyzed and all alone
So you try with all your might to break yourself free

And the past comes back the more you try
And the past brings pain the more you die
You must once more ignore the past

Trying to find a way to break yourself free

But on that road you wind up going back
To give it one more try; you make an attack
But the fish are not taking the bait this time

And you still keep on trying
While inside you’re dying
Trying to find a way out

Your final last attack
While looking back
Is your own reflection\

Telling you to go
Because you already know
How to move yourself forward

You were just too afraid to move

Leave the past behind
You must learn to be kind
To yourself

In the long run
When it’s all done
The past is just the past

A forgotten memory

Poem, Picture, 

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Rain Will Rise

Rain Will Rise
Written by ©Diana Jillian 4/21/13

When I awake
I'm full of nightmarish screams.
Wishing I could sleep forever
In the land of promised dreams.

I cannot shake my disappointment
I cannot end this disillusion.
What I face leaves me confined.
It leaves me alone with confusion.

And like the falling rain
It soon sets and dries
Into the skies

And like the falling rain
Comes the end of pain
For a new day to begin

And in the dream where I'm Cinderella
You know I'd do anything for you
I'd never lose my glass slippers
And you would make that statement true

And in forever where time stands still
We would never need another portal
We can create a world of our own
Forever we can remain immortal

And dreams, they are a lot like rain


Sunday, April 14, 2013

We Can Dance if We Want To

They put two commercials in one...I like the Scottish Korean one...

Hey Everyone!

I would play Tuesday Afternoon by the Moody Blues but this is all about Tuesday mornings...

Tuesday mornings are not fun.  They are the mornings where I have to wake up around 5:30 to take Andy to dialysis.  I go back home and go to sleep and then I have to walk and feed the dogs.  I have to feed my bird and prepare Andy's lunch and give him his meds so he has them for when I pick him up from dialysis and take him off to work.

I realized that commercial I posted in the group....Well, I have no explanation for it...I'm just weird like that....Word...Yo.

The reason why I like that commercial is because he's wearing a partial beard and dressed in a kilt.  And for some reason, I can't get the picture of Axel Rose out of my head....

Eh, close enough...

Yeah, I know...I'm proving my weirdness....I always do.

I'm not a popular person and I don't pretend to be.  Once upon a time, I used to care if people liked me or not but now...I just don't have time for that.

So while I try to increase my popularity author wise on Facebook, I am a total failure.  I'm the girl that gets 18 pokes as opposed to 10,000 pokes...

I'm the girl who wears sneakers and pulls her hair back in a ponytail rather than to wear heels and have my hair in my face all day....Well, my hair is in my face...I wear bangs.  That's another story.

That's all for now peeps.  

The title has nothing to do with anything else but this pic:

Random, Blog, Picture,