I spent all of Tuesday and last night in an awakened stupor. I don't even know how else to explain it. I had way too much on the noggin lately, and this was after the fact of reading an article on how to stop over-thinking. Where do I start?
Hi! My name is Diana, and I'm an over-thinker. I'm at the 12 step programs all over again. But the truth is, we all battle addictions of some sort. They don't have to be drug, gambling, or alcohol related. We're human; designed with flaws.
But who really labels them as flaws? I'd like to believe it's those that make the surface of themselves seem perfect, when really, they're broken-down inside.
The problem is I'm not broken.
It's like that Evanescence song Hello: "Don't try to fix me I'm not broken." I can always post the link.
Anyway, that wasn't what I was getting at....I think...Er, I'm not sure. I am really sleep-deprived and sore right now. I feel like my energy has been drained completely.
This happens to me sometimes...Especially when I'm in public places for too long. I pick up on the energy of strangers. I have to learn how to block more. Eh, I shall shut up about that now.
In any case. I've been babysitting for Andy's great-niece. I know Andy and I have been together for the past 15 years, but I still don't feel comfortable calling his nieces and nephew/great-nieces/nephew my nieces/nephews, let alone great-nieces and great-nephews.
For one thing, I'm too young to be considered an aunt to people that are 28, 26, and 24....Now I'm old enough to be an aunt to a 7, 4 and 3 year old, but a great aunt?!?!?!? Did I miss something??? There is a huge gap between mine and Andy's age. Well, not really. But we are 11 years apart.
His mother is two years older than my grandma. My mom had me just two days before her 19th birthday. I have cousins for crying out loud that are younger than his nieces and nephews. It's just all....WEIRD.
In any case...Yes, In any case again....I said to myself about 5 years ago...If I can't have any more kids, then I do NOT want to be babysitting. I don't want to be a preschool teacher anymore. It pains me to be around such bright little kids and not be able to go home to one.
I'm sorry but it does. So I have this "don't care" switch (or so to speak) that I have to turn off because if I don't, I would have lost it a long time ago.
So here's my shut off switch...Not giving a sh*t has kicked in...YEAH!!! RIGHT!!! Someone has always got to turn my switch back on even when I turn it off.
Four years ago I was asked to babysit for four girls.....Then three years ago I had gigs here and there. Two years ago the same and last year I went back to watching I kid who had just turned 9. The last time I watched her before was when she was 4 and her mom grew jealous of our relationship, so she decided to keep the kid home with some random stranger that was living in her house at the time. I just edited what I really wanted to say but I think you catch my drift.
Not to mention, I was taking Andy's great-nephew to school on specific days. That wasn't so bad. But now I have been babysitting his 4 year old great niece.
Don't get me wrong. She's a dynamic girl. She's got a fantastic personality...She's so bubbly and funny and full of life.....But reality sets in...She's not mine and I cannot keep her.
I get I was volunteered to watch her...That's fine. I'm used to being used like a worn out dish-rag and all...But when I meant I DIDN'T want to be around kids....I REALLY MEANT IT!!!
I'm gonna go because the shut off switch to not caring seems to be busted and the water works button seems to be in full effect.