Friday, November 20, 2015

39.8

I'll make a pitiful attempt to guess this week!







Blogophilia Week 39.8 Topic:

It All Started When...(LETA)

(Hard, 2pts)::  Include a lyric or a line from singer Mary Wells (CHRISTOPHER)



((Easy, 1pt)):  Incorporate the word "wayfarer" into your blog (TYLER)


Wayfarer--Noun.  A person who travels from place to place usually by walking.


Full definition of WAYFARER--A traveler especially on foot.

Wayfaring--Adjective.  



This week's bonus pic: (STORMY)






And in honor of last weeks events:





I am not even sure where this blog is going to take me.



I think I do now.  On Wednesday, I woke up with a plan in mind.  I don't get how it seems so simple to map out your day because nothing ever goes as planned.  I wanted to mail my friend out a birthday gift because it takes a good two weeks for it to arrive.

I was practically berated by the postal worker because my package wasn't properly taped and that I didn't have an address on it despite the customs form I had filled out because the last time I got berated for not having a customs form filled out.

I just walked out and decided I'll probably do so today.  But Wednesday brought on a bout of depression.  I just cried.  I thought I was over it, but Thursday came and went, and now Friday is here.  I still feel the funk.  I don't know if it's because I'm sick because I'm neutropenic, or if it is an actual bout of depression.

I wasn't even going to write this, but then I thought to myself I should get it done.  I put effort into the research before my depressed state of mind hit.  Who knows?  Maybe something will happen as I write this.

I just feel like it all started when I was born.  My mom almost didn't name me Diana Jillian.  I was going to be David.  She thought for sure I was to be a boy.  Then she thought of Diana, and then she thought Beth would be a good middle name for me.  Just Beth.  Nothing else.  Not short for Bethany or Elizabeth...but just Beth.

I felt in my heart I was a wayfarer of the soul....Like I've done nothing but roamed on foot from place to place in various past lives.  And when I arrived into this life, I felt like I was destined to be someone.



Seasons came and seasons gone.  Years have passed and now nearing into my 40's, I feel I've allowed those around me to defeat me.

I really wish there was a time machine.  I would at least go back...not to meet myself per se, but more to write my 10 year old self a letter telling her not to listen to what others say.  I would tell her that when she turns 13, she'll want to go into acting.  I'll tell her that her mother will tell her if it was meant to be, she would have put her in acting a long time ago.

I would have told her about being neutropenic and the challenges she would face.

I would leave a note telling her to silence those voices and do what you want.

Life, you took my heart, and you broke it apart.

I continue to not understand anything.  I hope I don't find my utopia in death.

DJ




16 comments:

  1. You are only defeated if YOU say you are.

    It took me a good 45 years to learn that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't always feel defeated. I always feel hopeful. This week was just weird for me.

      DJ

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  2. I am always encouraged when you make the effort to meet the challenge of the week! That, in itself, speaks volumes!!! Nice rambling bit this week, and just so you don't feel all alone, Commander K gets in those moods too!! :) Now didn't that cheer you up?? :) 8 points, Earthling!!! -Marvin Martin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your words of encouragement. I think we all have those moods. To tell the truth, I feel better since writing this. It's amazing what writing can do for you. I even made guesses too!!! That's something you don't see from me often!

      ^_^ DJ

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  3. Don't let life get you down. Depression is always lurking around the corner .....
    you did indeed get all prompts in..good job

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sometimes you can't control your feelings as freely as your mind does. I struggle every day, but then there are some days--like Wednesday till today--where I have to fight even harder.

      Thanks for stopping by! ^_^

      DJ

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  4. Keep writing, girl! I know what it feels like to feel defeated, and sink into the depths of depression and/or anxiety. Writing definitely helped me during the darkest, most hopeless periods of my life. It is a well that I still draw upon for a lot of my dark writes, and it's so cathartic. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't feel defeated as much as sick! LOL!!! I really should see the signs. But the depression is real. Thanks for the support! :) (((HUGS)))

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  5. Great write Diana...I can feel a shift in a good direction this week... :) ~Christine W

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  6. Hate to believe anyone is ever truly defeated. Have to believe you aren't and find the small victories.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Count your blessings...that's all you can do! :)

      DJ

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  7. Yay on the victories... -David II

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  8. Writing is very therapeutic. At least for me it is. I remember when I first came across Blogophilia, and reading the different stories, poems and rambles. It truly helped me overcome some obstacles in my life then. So glad you decided to write this week, even if it was a ramble. I tell ya, it's a good ramble. I feel like that at times too, and it's nice to know I'm not alone. (smiles) Huggs!! <3

    -Leta

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad I did too...writing, I mean. I get so busy sometimes and before I know it...poof! The day is gone. I don't know what happens. Then when I don't get something in...I feel just awful about it. I get in a funk when I fall out of routine. Such is life though. I think those feelings we have are just a part of being human, yeah?

      DJ

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