Blogophilia Week 39.8 Topic:
It All Started When...(LETA)
(Hard, 2pts):: Include a lyric or a line from singer Mary Wells (CHRISTOPHER)
((Easy, 1pt)): Incorporate the word "wayfarer" into your blog (TYLER)
Wayfarer--Noun. A person who travels from place to place usually by walking.
Full definition of WAYFARER--A traveler especially on foot.
This week's bonus pic: (STORMY)
And in honor of last weeks events:
I am not even sure where this blog is going to take me.
I think I do now. On Wednesday, I woke up with a plan in mind. I don't get how it seems so simple to map out your day because nothing ever goes as planned. I wanted to mail my friend out a birthday gift because it takes a good two weeks for it to arrive.
I was practically berated by the postal worker because my package wasn't properly taped and that I didn't have an address on it despite the customs form I had filled out because the last time I got berated for not having a customs form filled out.
I just walked out and decided I'll probably do so today. But Wednesday brought on a bout of depression. I just cried. I thought I was over it, but Thursday came and went, and now Friday is here. I still feel the funk. I don't know if it's because I'm sick because I'm neutropenic, or if it is an actual bout of depression.
I wasn't even going to write this, but then I thought to myself I should get it done. I put effort into the research before my depressed state of mind hit. Who knows? Maybe something will happen as I write this.
I just feel like it all started when I was born. My mom almost didn't name me Diana Jillian. I was going to be David. She thought for sure I was to be a boy. Then she thought of Diana, and then she thought Beth would be a good middle name for me. Just Beth. Nothing else. Not short for Bethany or Elizabeth...but just Beth.
I felt in my heart I was a wayfarer of the soul....Like I've done nothing but roamed on foot from place to place in various past lives. And when I arrived into this life, I felt like I was destined to be someone.
Seasons came and seasons gone. Years have passed and now nearing into my 40's, I feel I've allowed those around me to defeat me.
I really wish there was a time machine. I would at least go back...not to meet myself per se, but more to write my 10 year old self a letter telling her not to listen to what others say. I would tell her that when she turns 13, she'll want to go into acting. I'll tell her that her mother will tell her if it was meant to be, she would have put her in acting a long time ago.
I would have told her about being neutropenic and the challenges she would face.
I would leave a note telling her to silence those voices and do what you want.
Life, you took my heart, and you broke it apart.
I continue to not understand anything. I hope I don't find my utopia in death.