Trying

I've always heard in the movies: If you build it, they will come.  Well, I've been building and building and building. All I got in the end is nothing.  I can't figure it out!  Am I holding on too tight?  What's going on?  How is it others can be as persistent as I am and I'm the one that fails?

I know I'm ready to reach my goal.  But I just don't know when it will happen for me.  Sounds weird, huh?  Oh well.  That's all I've got to say.

Just know I write this because maybe somewhere down the line it could benefit someone who is where I can say I was there before.

DJ

No Holiday is a Good Day

Hey All,

Yes, like the title?  Call me a Scrooge on all occasions.  I don't like holidays, period.  Every time you start to like something, it becomes commercialized.  Like Your Song.




Although, I do wish they would commercialize Earth Day more.  Fat chance of that happening I bet.

Google search: Earthmagazine.org

Instead of lighting candles as a ritual, we could be using our new ritual implements:  A stick, gloves, and a garbage bag.  But hey, I am a dreamer.

I hope you enjoy this little blog.  It's not much as I've been truly busy.  I'm hoping to be able to write some more later on.

Hey, did you know you can tag others in a blog???  Interesting.

Anyway...I'm going.  But before I do....A friend of mine sent me this pic.  She knows how I like these creepy kinds of things.  What do you think?

Until next time...

DJ

Random, Blog, Picture,

See You On The Dark Side

As I think of Dark Side of the Moon
All I can do is sit around and swoon

Thoughts of grandeur when I look
The album cover, hearing the hook

Light glaring on crystal, colors within
A rainbow-like world for me to fit in

A visible spectrum shining bright
Taking it all in with just my sight

All hyperbole; nothing of norm
As I head in the eye of the storm

The ride is over and there I sit
The concert's over, I must exit

Written by ©Diana Jillian 12/10/12



































Poem, 

I Only Let You Think It's Easy

(Artwork some free online image)

I ONLY LET YOU THINK IT'S EASY

Written by ©Diana Jillian 12/3/12

Those who tell me I judge reign

They judge as I hide the pain

I only let them think they win

So easy to speak your mind

When I do it’s so cruel and unkind

Then I shut my mouth

But you think it’s easy to see

Because I won’t let it defeat me

And I walk away

And who says I’m perfect?

When there’s weakness I hide

Death permeates all around me

I should fall but take it in stride

I choose a different path

One that will guide my way

One that will brighten my day

12/3/12 DJS

Poem, Picture,

The Moon: Part II

“I did not mean to bump into you,” he continues, breaking my thoughts from looking up at the sky.  I look back at him and I know it’s not possible.  Only silly sci-fi things happen like that in.  Well, they happen in books and on TV.

“It’s cool,” I stammer.  “I wasn't watching where I was going.”  Which is mostly the truth. If I wasn't so busy looking for the moon, I might have actually paid attention that there was a man walking my way. 

Then again, he could have moved out of my way. But maybe he wasn't paying attention either.  I look as he holds his hand out to me.

“My name is Raoul,” he speaks.  I take his hand and shake. 

“Greta,” I answer back.

He gives me a warm smile.  “Nice to meet you, Greta.  Would you mind if I trouble you for a bit?”

I try to ignore the fact that he speaks in an old-fashioned manner.  “Sure,” I answer.  “I was just going out for a walk anyway.”  Which isn't a lie at all.  I would really like to see where the moon went.

He interrupts my thoughts.  “Well you see, I am new around here and was wondering if you could possibly show me the area.”  He pauses a bit.  “Or at least if you could maybe tell me about it over coffee.”

I think he realizes that we've only just met and as cute as he is, I don’t know anything about him.  “Coffee sounds great,” I answer and I know exactly where to go.  There is a diner around the corner that we could sit in.  That way if it does turn out he’s crazy, I could make a run for it.

We arrive around the corner and take a seat in the booth when the oddest question comes out of his mouth.  “What happens to a dream deferred?”

I look at him.  “Excuse me?”  I don’t want to be rude.

“Oh,” he says apologetically.  “It’s a line from the poem Harlem by Langston Hughes.  Have you ever heard of him?”

It’s suddenly coming back to me bits and pieces. I can remember in junior high we had to memorize Harlem for a quiz in English class.  I can’t believe I forgot all about that poem.  I nod and answer, “Yes,” at the same time.

“So tell me, Greta,” he seems curious.  “What does happen to a dream deferred?”

Deferred.  Deferred.  What does happen to a dream deferred?  It’s all coming back to me now as I remember being stumped on that word back in seventh grade.  I remember looking it up and the meaning is said to postpone.

I start drifting off to a deeper thought, pondering upon the word “defer”.

Ah, yes!  It seems as though so many times my dreams have in fact been deferred.  I have wanted so little from life and got nothing.  So I asked for more and still nothing.  Now that I am the age that I am, I realized that dreams for me will always be deferred.  It’s not meant for me in this lifetime.

Why so cynical, you may ask?  Why so skeptical?  I've been C-Blocked every which way possible.  Then I was told well it’s not what you want in life that you’ll get.  It’s what you need that you will get.  I have needed.  Trust me and still nothing.

It’s a vicious cycle. It’s one that makes others wonder and ask me all the time:  “Well, what’s wrapped around your heart?”  My only reply:  “Ice.”

My heart is blocked and cold and it feels good that way.  It’s numb so no one could ever hurt it again.  No one could ever break promises.  I don’t even expect anything.  I will just work hard and die working and have nothing to show for it.  That’s all life is anyway, right?

Full of disappointments.  When you open up, life gets complicated.  Do you know how thick an owner’s manual to a car is?  Well, can you imagine carrying around one for the heart with you at all times?  That would be huge. You would have to carry a backpack around.  So yeah, numb and icy heart sounds good to me.

But I won’t let this nice man know this.  For now, I say, “Sometimes, the best things happen last.”

He seems to approve of these words.

Written by ©Diana Jillian 11/9/12

Short Story,

The Moon: Part I

I am never one to wish on falling stars.  For one thing, I can not think that fast of what I want to wish for.  So I would always send my wishes to the moon.  The moon, ah yes, the moon is my friend.  Or so I had thought.

I had just finished eating some Ramen when I decided to look outside my window of my apartment complex, to speak to the moon.  Only, I fell silent when my one trusting friend, was no longer there.  Sometimes that does happen, you know.

The shift of the earth can cause the stars and moon to shift out of periphery.  I had decided to go outside to look for the moon when I bumped into someone.

"Pardon me," the voice says.  I was thinking it must be an old man, only he didn't sound old, just the language he spoke sounded old.

Under the streetlight, I got a better glimpse of him.  In fact, the whole street seemed well lit.  This man had a glow about him.

Mesmerized, I couldn't seem to say a word.  It wasn't that he was gorgeous or anything. Okay, maybe he was a tad bit gorgeous.  But there was something about him I couldn't put my finger on.

For some reason, the words:  "My heart is aching for you little lamb. I can help you out. But I cannot help you in," are embedded into my head right now.

All within the moment, I look up to the empty sky and wonder...

Lyrics from song: Little Lamb Dragonfly by Paul McCartney.

Dear readers:

I will try to add more but right now, I have been terribly swamped.  I will get around to comments and such when I can.  Thanks for reading :)










































Prose, Short Story, Blog, Picture, 

Nevermore

Hey Everyone!!!

NEVERMORE

Written by ©Diana Jillian 10/7/12

Once upon a midnight dreary
I awoke withered and weary
It was something I could feel
Something that was so surreal

I knew it was only a dream
But what on earth could it mean?
Nothing but silence and smoke
Like it's some kind of cosmic joke

Why me?  Of all things to happen wish
My soul will forever be in a dappen dish

For I was punished long ago

DJ



























Poem,

Ramble On

Waking up on a Monday Morning is tough, eh?  And as luck (or a lack of luck) would have it, this Monday totally kicked my butt.  :)

Hey Everyone!

The latest update.  Andy (my other half) was released late Friday night.  FINALLY.  He will go to a place at 6:45 tomorrow morning for dialysis.  The process will take 3 and a half hours and he has to go three times a week.  Not too bad.

I'll update more on that as I learn more.

At the doctor today for a check-up, the nurse checked his oxygen levels and they're normal.  So I guess you could say he no longer has a need for the oxygen mask.  That's always a good thing.

There really is nothing more to report here.  I hope by next week I shall have a muse meaning a short-story in the works *fingers crossed*

Oh and before I forget earlier today while getting into my car, a mosquito snuck in and I had to shoo it out the window.  Beware of those mosquitoes.  Especially for some as they can make you sick.

And I like how the cat is carefully eyeing the fish in the picture.  Cats are definitely full of mischief.

That is all for now.  Until next time...


























































Random, Blog, Memoir,

Remembering

REMEMBERING

Written by ©Diana Jillian 9/22/12

Lonely in my solitude listening only to Evanescence and Chris Cornell, I realized I had to get out there and live my life.

"It's time to stop feeling sorry for myself," I scolded myself.  "You need to stop giving up on yourself every time the going gets tough."

"Ugh, I know all this," I think back to myself as "Hello" is playing in my head.

"Hello, I am your mind giving you someone to talk to."

I look down at my bracelet my beloved once gave me.  I haven't taken it off and I don't intend to ever take it off.  It is a symbol of our love.  Well, it was a symbol of our love for that love has now perished and all I am left with is this bracelet he gave me.

I remember how he gave me the bracelet.  He whispered in my ear, "Always think of me when wearing this."  I never anticipated those being his last words to me.  Not ever.  And so I have had this bracelet on my wrist after all of these years.

This is all I have left.  I touch the bracelet with my other hand and look up to notice I'm not in the desolate comfort of my own home.

This place.  I can't explain but it looks like a place I've been many times before.

A lush green field with a forest full of trees.  It all looks and smells wonderful.  I can smell the fresh scent of pine and rosemary and it makes me smile.  I can't remember the last time I smiled.  Then it dawned on me.

My beloved and I went to a forest like this when we first met.  When walking further in the forest, there was a fragrant garden full of flowers.  He picked out the black hollyhock.  I don't know how he knew they were my favorite but he always knew things about me.

He knew my favorite color was green and that's why he chose to take me to the evergreen forest. He knew my favorite flower, he even knew my favorite kind of music.

"Follow My Way," is echoing from the distance, breaking me from my reverie.  I walk closer to see what is going on.

As I walk, the music gets a bit louder.  I find myself in that very same flower garden with the melodic words playing.

"So follow my way, when I am falling from your heart, When I'm the pain, fever and sweet relief in one."

I follow the melody and there is someone who has their back towards me.  I am vaguely remembering this person and then I realize who it is.  My beloved.

I inch closer towards him remembering his sweet, spicy scent.  His hair is a coconut brown as how I remembered him from years ago.  From behind, he looks ageless.  Maybe this is a land that never dies.

With anticipation, I walk closer, hoping he will remember me.  I walk around him to face him and then I realize.

It's not him.

Just a skeleton.

"Always think of me."  I hear the whispers in the form of echoes.

I close my eyes and sob as the skeleton turns to dust and washes away in the wind.

When I open my eyes, I learn I am in my desolate room again.  It was just a dream.  I pull my headphones off, give a sigh, and go out and face the day.

After all, if there's one thing my beloved taught me.  He taught me to live each day to it's fullest.

Music references from the song Hello by Evanescence and Follow My way by Chris Cornell.

___

__





Prose, Short Story,

I'm Not Human

Tests.

All these tests.

Failed every one.

Every single one.

But then it turns around

When I'm mad

I'm made to feel guilty

Shame on me

For being made to feel this way

After all

I cannot express my feelings

For apparently I'm a robot

I don't have feelings

Nothing


I just didn't want to be alone

Is that so much to ask?

Because of it

I have no friends to hang

I have no more children

I have no one

No sisters

No like-sisters

I am alone

The cheese that stands alone

I've accepted and I'm okay

Bi-polar reminds me

But once again...

This too shall pass.

I'll accept my fate of being


ALONE

Written by ©Diana Jillian 9/17/12

























































No Rhyme, Poem, Prose, Picture,

Keeping Up

You never realize how much time you have on your hands until you have to stop doing what you're doing and take care of a loved one.

“In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.” ~~ Hermann Hesse, Steppenwolf

I find this quote to fit perfectly with what I have to say...

This week, well I should say last week, my other half was taken to the hospital. I thought he was having a stroke but it turned out he had low blood sugar. Then it turned out his kidneys are failing and now he needs treatments of dialysis either for the rest of his life or until he gets a kidney transplant. He can go years with dialysis and never need a new kidney if he chooses.

I've gotten off the subject as usual but this is what happens when you have to re-prioritize your life. Everything you thought you knew has ceased to exist when something happens. You have to care for someone but at the same time, you can't go anywhere.

Being in the hospital with my other half and taking care of him is a full time job. My only free time is in the morning where I drive nearly an hour out of my way to go back home and shower and feed the bird and get the mail and pay the bills.

Now, just because I have more time on my hands doesn't mean I'm going to sit around and count how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop like the ever old commercial I posted of the boy with the owl who took a bite after 3 licks.

It means I am going to learn how to shut out the outside world and learn how to enjoy the power of what I was meant to do. What is in my blood whether it's good or not...That's writing.

So my spare time will be spent finally sitting down and editing and turning in a blog (weekly I hope). This is through Blogophilia and it's my first time so please go easy on me as I am still quite the novice at this. The only thing I need to crack the code is on learning how to manage my time better.

Until next time...

Image source from Google search.  I made the collage with paint.

Random, Blog, QOTD, Picture, 

Equal Rights? Doesn't Apply To Me

Source:  http://mariahcarolina.blogspot.com/2011/04/how-womens-rights-have-change-through.html

If you think that trying to get an oil change with just 15 minutes before the mom and pop place closes before I decided to write this has influenced my decision, you may be wrong.  Or you could be right.

I was thinking of the many times I have gone in to get my oil changed and I was told I need this and that to be replaced.  All I could think was if I were a man, would this be happening? Probably not.  They would probably say oh well you need this and that, but there's no real hurry to getting it.

Not in my case.

I could almost guarantee you though, if I were a man, they would have stayed the extra minutes past 1 0' Clock to have my oil changed.

All these thoughts were dormant but popped up into my head on my way home.

A perfect example would be in the job force.

They claim Equal Opportunity Employer (EOE), but I can beg to differ.

While at this so called "EOE," you have to swear that you are NOT going to discuss pay.  If you do, you are FIRED.  Seriously???

Well, it just so happened that at my SEVEN years of employment with certain company, I was with friends, celebrating my birthday.

Out of the pocket falls a pay stub.  You know what I learned????  That this kid...Yes KID.  Younger than me by NINE years.  And only worked at this place on and off and on an off for the past FOUR years at the time, was making nearly TWO dollars more per hour than me.

Why was he making more money than me???  When I been at that job longer.  I have a kid to take care of and payments to make.  This kid had nothing to pay for but he kept coming back and got re-hired several times with more money each time.

He was not loyal to the job like I was.

Yet he made more money.

He ALWAYS called out sick.

Then it dawned on me...

I thought it was an EOE thing, but when I turned around I noticed other employees who worked less than me, were getting paid MORE than me.

It was more of the beat the dog who's loyal to you kind of thing...

Source:  http://www.imagekind.com/Blind-Loyalty-art?IMID=ed583689-243d-4c3a-90e1-96cfb0de52ac


I was too loyal and in return, I got burned.

So while you thought the topic was about equal rights it really wasn't.

It was about loyalty.

Watch out on who you're loyal with.

It will bite you in the end.

Until next time...

DJ



































Random, Blog, Picture,

I Must Remember

This quote reminds me of something a good friend keeps reminding me:

Thank you :)

QOTD, Picture,

Soulless

As usual,

I find myself backed to the corner,

Trying to defend myself.

Like that will help.

Decisions have been made about me.

With or without my permission.

I will accept it as is.

You think I sold my soul

I haven't

There is no soul to sell

For it is shattered

Broken

Congratulations!  :)

You won

For I have no battle left in me...

Written by ©Diana Jillian 8/13/12








































No Rhyme, Poem, Prose, Picture,

How?

HOW?

How do I?
get back to the basic?
Get back to the beginning?
How do I?
Get back to the top?
Away from the bottom?
Back to the way things were?

I guess you can't.
You just tear down
And rebuild
And hopefully
Hopefully
You can get back there

I want to rise
Above it all
Be seen
Heard
Loved

I guess
It must
Begin
With me

Written by ©Diana Jillian 8/5/12







































No Rhyme, Poem, Prose, 

Coin

Hey Everyone!

Last post for the day and then I swear (At least I think I do) I'm done with posting.


Here's my pic for a coin:

Eh, I'm sure I could fix it so it's not so blurry.  If I do, I'll re-post it...I'm pretty sure it reads 1970 on it.  Can you imagine all the places this quarter has been???

Picture, Random, Blog,

One

Hey Everyone!

--DJ

Music, Random, Blog, Picture,

Outside

I took this picture from my lanai...It overlooks my lot:

You can see the screen and all if you look closely.

Okay, that's all for now.

--DJ

Random, Blog, Picture, 

Bereft

In the night of
The blackest blue
Never  thought I’d
Run away from you

You’ve been my confidant

You've been my shelter

You’ve been my only true friend

I know that even darkness has an end

I'd be lost if not for you

No means by
Any to prove
Nothing in me
Anymore to move

When looking for some comfort
I seek to you and you hold me
With open arms, no questions asked
But now you’re ready to take from me

Something good
Something pure
Something true
I can endure

But I beg of you if you ever had a care
Into your eyes of less burden darken stare

To take me
For I’m no good
Leave my remains
Simple bird food


I can handle
Your eternal bliss
No one will
Remember to miss

Take me and leave them behind
Take me and I’ll forever be
By your side. Releasing your freedom
Forever into your eternity

7/28/12 Written by ©Diana Jillian



























































Poem, Picture, Prose, No Rhyme, Rhyme,

The Fool

I am a fool
Foolish to believe
I could live a dreamy life
Foolish to think
Someone would rescue me
Save me
From myself
But I never
Put myself out there
How how's anyone to know?
My true intentions?
My true feelings?
How?
Even if someone better
Comes along
And granted my desires
How could I be guaranteed
Of a good life?
Guess I'll never know
And remain a fool

Written by ©Diana Jillian 7/29/12








































Picture, Poem, No Rhyme, 

No More

Hey Everyone!

So it's been a while since I've actually blogged.  Normally I post a poem with a picture and then I'm done.  All is good...But I'm under the impression that some think I hold grudges...Well I don't.  I swear sometimes my profession should have been in psychiatry.  I find the human mind fascinating and interesting as to why some people do what they need to do and why they need to do it.

Lately, I've been caught up in competition and accusations.  I've found myself walking on eggshells but at the same time, these were the same people that had no problems with giving me full blows to the head.

Not everything I write will be about someone.  Sometimes I actually make references and if I do write about someone, it's to get an opinion on the situation.  I'm a discreet person.  I leave names out.  If  you come and send me an email or comment on my status or blog defending yourself, just know that I was not the one that gave your identity away...YOU DID.  Capice?

Also another thing you should know about me...I DON'T STAY MAD FOR LONG.  Just because my OCD kicks in and I repeat myself over and over does NOT mean that I am mad about a situation.  No.  In fact, I find it fascinating.  I really should have studied psychology.

Just because I can read people after a while like an open book, does not mean that I understand their actions.  I find this intriguing.  I repeat myself because I am intrigued by the actions others possess within themselves.  I've watched as others can't let go of grudges.  I've watched as others can't let go of the past.  I've watched as others think their way is the only way and won't listen to anyone else no matter what.  I've watched as some thought of themselves as a victim when in fact it was them that put themselves in that position and no one else.

As a child, you have no control...perhaps no say over actions and decisions being made.  As an adult, you do.  You have choices.  You can choose to smile and walk away or you can choose to be angry and argue.  The choice is yours.

As a child, I watched the people in the rooms speak of how they became fixated upon drugs.  Either their parents beat them or a relative done something unspeakable to them.  They lost a loved one or something else that they just couldn't handle....

Instead of facing their problems the hard way, they took the easy way out...Drugs.  Each person in that room took no blame for their own actions.  They blamed something or someone else.  Ultimately, it is your choice. You're in control.

But this isn't a lecture that I'm trying to make.

I'm just saying that we make a conscious effort to do what we can.  As Deepak Chopra says:  "Every decision I make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle."

I don't know about you but I choose the miracle.  I choose good.

So, that means to not let others treat me like crap just because they're angry about something.

We have a right to our opinions.  The last I checked, I was still an all American gal and I had a right to express my feelings thoughts and ideas without someone pointing a finger at me for doing something they're already doing.  That's called hypocrisy.  That's called a double standard.  That is unfair.

How dare you have the right to voice your opinion but not me.  What am I?  Do you think I'm a robot?  What?  I'm not a human being with feelings???  I'm not allowed to express how I feel?  That's not right.  You may need to check yourself and slow your role.

I am me.  I have feelings and opinions.  I choose the opinions of neutral territory. I didn't realize that made me a monster.  Sorry--No!  I'm not sorry and shame on you for making me feel like I have to be sorry.

That is all I have to say about this.

Try to remember you can always agree to disagree without being insulting and hurting others feelings.  What you say now, you may regret down the line when you wind up alone and with no one to turn to.


BTW:  This message is not directed towards ANYONE at all.  This is just me stating my feelings.  If you think this is about you then get over it....

And if you think it's about you and you're ready to argue, just remember, I find it invalid...

Random, Blog, Picture, Argument Invalid,

Live

Bare with me as I do not understand this format...It drives me nuts...
Here is a picture I made to go with the poem I wrote...

And here's the poem:
Live like it's the end 
And enjoy the last 
Make a point to mourn 
Even if they haven't passed
Cherish every breath you breathe 
Every being healed with ease
For poor fragile heart 
Easily becomes torn apart
We all have our mission 
What waits around the bend 
It's a complete beyond mystery 
A thrilling ride to the end

7/18/12 Written by ©Diana Jillian

Earlier this morning I was asked a question. I was asked if what I think of all of this?
All of this meaning the situation with Andy....
I'm sitting and riding a stationary bike when I told him I honestly don't know. I used to watch my mom ache with every pain or something or another...
As most of you might already know...I basically raised myself and then while I was trying to raise myself, I had a little brother to take care of...Sorry bro.
Anyway, the poem even though written last night, does coincide with today's dilemma. I'm a little frustrated because the sugar's under control but his blood pressure is now a new issue. I don't understand it.
He barely eats these days and he's been walking more.
So this morning I answered him honestly. From what I witnessed growing up, I've decided that any pain I might feel, any kind of sharp pain that endures, I walk it off. I know I'll be better. And if if persists for longer than a day, then I will go and see the doctor. With me, it doesn't last long.
If there is a sharp pain inside my body near the lungs area...I breathe it out. I can't explain it any more than that. The pain eventually subsides and I am good. Most pain that I feel is usually anxiety and yes I get them even when I am not on anything with caffeine....I could go months without it and still get anxiety.
But I learn to control it. While I believe most things can be controlled with your mind, for those you can't control with your mind, there's medication for it.
I believe it takes a lot of wiring and re-training your brain to get you to think and feel on a positive and healthy level.
Okay, losing focus now...Gotta run
BYE
Written by ©Diana Jillian  7/19/12

















































Poem, No Rhyme, Picture, Creation, Artwork, Random, Blog,

I Thought...

I THOUGHT

Written by ©Diana Jillian 7/5/12

I thought I could
Possibly
Would
But know now
I can't
I won't
Be leaving behind
Anything
To no one
For there's no legacy
To leave behind
And I sit
And wallow
In misery
Of regret
Wishing things
Could be different
But I'm smarter than that
And I know better
The fool am I
To be such a wishful thinker
The fool am I
To have stayed so long
No legacy
When I go
I shall forever
Be forgotten

7/5/12 DJS






































Poem, Prose, Picture,