Lately...

Have you ever had depression say to you, "Psst!  Hey!  Let's end it all!"  And you think to yourself, Yeah!  That would be a great idea!

But as always, logic comes in and says, "But how will you do it?  Hanging sounds painful, and you could still be alive.  So is shooting yourself.  Sleeping pills sounds good, but when will you be able to take them without freaking out everyone?  I mean, do you want them to find you dead, or in the hospital after you've had your stomach pumped?  What if there really is a God, and it is frowned upon to kill yourself?  What if there is an afterlife, and you only get punished even more than you're being punished now?"

Logic never shuts up.  He/She keeps on going.  "And who will take care of your dogs and bird?  Who will make sure the husband doesn't drive himself off a cliff after dialysis with a blood pressure reading of 80 over 15?   Does he even know what pills he needs to take?  Cholesterol?  Blood Pressure?  Anti-Depressants?  Does he know how to use the insulin pen?"

He/She doesn't stop there.  "And what about your son?  Yeah, sure he's 18...Almost 19 now.  But he forgets to take his shots.  He still needs someone to kick him in the butt and remind him to keep plugging at it for his high school diploma, because that's important."

Depression says nothing.

Love steps in and says, "Yes, no one will be able to take care of them, but that's why depression is there.  Depression is around because Self isn't taking care of itself."

Alright, so there's this whole battle going on inside my head.  Everyone thinks they know what's best for me, but I'm the one that has to have the best judgment.

Last night was pretty bad. I had a rotten day, and then my husband was joking around with me.  Instead of laughing, I cried.  I CRIED!!!

Today, I told someone I'd work for them, but I had no idea they would pull these last-minute conditions on me.  Now I have to pick up kids in an un-air-conditioned bus!!!!  To top it off, the building still has no air.

So yeah, it's depressed me.  And then I think I can go to my one and only salvation online...only to find out the notifications aren't even for me.

It's not anything really, but for me, it was the icing on the cake.

What's even worse is I have to get up very early in the morning....And I'm wasting my time venting on a blog rather than writing the story I have in my head...And for what?  Because I'm hurt, and no one cares.

No one wants to hear you complain.  It's so funny, because all I do is hear EVERYONE in my life complain...But when I do it, no one wants to hear it...


So here's to another blog that goes ignored...


~~DJ

Survival

It's a post I had...I made a few good points here...

The A to Z survivor challenge...Shall I choose to accept...Wait a minute!!!!  I have accepted this if I am writing this, right?  Anywho!!!


I am writing this because of several reasons.


01.)  I am an idiot
02.)  I don't know when to quit
03.)  Despite what I know, I'm still a wishful thinker
04.)  I lied completely when I said I would start writing for me
05.)  I'm only doing this to fish for comments
06.)  And when no one responds, I cry about it
07.)  I'm in fetal position right now
08.)  Still sulking it out
09.)  Taking a deep breath
10.)  Continue on
11.)  Repeat steps 1-10 and never EVER learn my lesson.

Okay, so I'm writing a review on this past month's A to Z Blogging Challenge.

I've survived...even though I don't know how.  Last year was a bit overwhelming at first, but I was able to accomplish my A-Z challenge.  My blog title was under the Random Ramblings of an Artist, which you can find somewhere on WordPress.  Don't ask me for my URL name because I've changed it so many times since then.

Alright.  Last year was not so easy.  I was under tremendous pressure.  I was about to undergo eye surgery.  The doctor said I had Basil Cell Carcinoma on my left eyelid.  I think it was a lie, but you know how doctors are.  They want money, and they also want to cover their arses.

Last year I was so depressed, I had to watch teeny bopper shows to keep my mind off all this negative crap going on in my life.  I had friends that ditched me in my time of need.  It's always about them and never about me or their kids.  Eh, un-evolved souls that never learned the meaning of balance, I suppose.

But that's just me...at it again...making excuses for parasites that aren't even in my life anymore.

A FEW HOURS LATER...

Alright....The A to Z challenge of 2015...RIGHT!

There is really nothing to change about the blogging thing.  Really.  Although in the beginning, I got confused as to what they wanted as far as titling your blog.  Like your blog name, followed by a (WR) next to it.  I think it would be easier for others to do so if let's say they see it in a screen shot, perhaps???

.............................................................

Alright...It's the next day now...Yes, I am a dork.  I make Spongebob references.  I make Whovian references, and I definitely make Supernatural references.  Don't judge.

But truth be told, the A to Z challenge is not up to the creators to make the change...It is up to us writers to make that change.  We know this happens once a year, and we should be better prepared for it.  And by "we", I mean "me".  I should be better prepared for it.  And hopefully I will have the time to do so now.

I have eleven months to get the next challenge going.  I was only in a rush this  year because I tackled on a job on top of my already hectic schedule.  When you're a writer, it's pretty much a full-time job, but I don't need to tell you that.  You already know this.

Well, try writing, and taking care of pets, cleaning the house, balancing the bills, taking care of two sick people, and then adding on a part-time job on top of it all!!!!  I get a few hours to myself total...and sometimes weekends.  But even those weekends have to be divided to driving 200 miles to see my grandma who loves to see me.

But I'll get there...I'll get there.  I have all these books on time management that I will get around to reading eventually.  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.  There is a serious party constantly going on in my head.  It's very hard for me to focus on one thing at a time.  Maybe I need to get checked for adult ADD or something???

Well, this is my challenge post.  Sorry it's not much.

~~DJ

Xanthous

XANTHOUS

Meet the older woman with the now xanthous hair
Who once upon a time had hair the color of brown
As soon as she became a teenager, it slowly changed
White hairs were popping up even though it was strange
It was supposed to have been gray, not white
That's usually what happens with brunettes; it turns gray

How did this happen?  She often wondered to herself
Having no clue, she started dyeing her hair black
It was the blackest black you could possibly imagine
For she always liked being a girl with hair darker
But as time passed, more grays started popping up
Making dyeing her hair more impossibly by the minute

She gave up and decided on blonde...And perhaps with blonde
It will blend the grays in much better.
But
This depressed her so much, she still kept the black hair
Despite the fact it was time to give up
And that was when it dawned on her...

Just like how her hair changed from wavy to curly
Maybe her hair chemistry is changing from brown to blonde
It could be possible as anything is possible
Her family all had blonde hair as children, all except her
And their hair grew blonde by the time they were adults
Anything is possible, she thought to herself

Despite denial, xanthous it shall be...FOREVER!

©Diana Jillian

When

When the moon is bright
Day turns into the night
When all feels so wrong
You'll know you belong

From deep in your bones
When urging to cast stones
Try not to fall too blind
Remember always be kind

You know who you are
And that'll take you far
Weird is a total blessing
Normal is always missing

Never let them dull your smile
When walking down a mile
They're the ones missing out
When seeing you standing stout


©Diana Jillian

Very

Very/Vagabond

Hey Everyone!

Now every time I use the word "very" I often think of muchiness!!!  "You've lost your much, Alice.  You used to be much muchier."  LOL.  Very funny stuff....or is that silly stuff?

VAGABOND!!!

That's a good word to use on V day.

I've moved around so much when I lived in NY that, by the time I moved to FL, I was growing uncomfortable by the minute.  I've been in the same house now for about 14 years or so....I'm starting to now treat it like it's my home....I just need to organize better.



I once was a vagabond who roamed from home to home
I did not have a real place to where I truly felt I belonged

Silence fell all around me as I felt so alone and soulless
But I knew that one day, I would find my place to call

HOME


After many years of my youth, feeling like something was
So very wrong, and so very out of place, I finally feel like

I can finally call a place I've lived in, one I have memories of
One where I can do whatever I like to rearrange and just feel

HOME

I am finally home!

©Diana Jillian