Lately...

Have you ever had depression say to you, "Psst!  Hey!  Let's end it all!"  And you think to yourself, Yeah!  That would be a great idea!

But as always, logic comes in and says, "But how will you do it?  Hanging sounds painful, and you could still be alive.  So is shooting yourself.  Sleeping pills sounds good, but when will you be able to take them without freaking out everyone?  I mean, do you want them to find you dead, or in the hospital after you've had your stomach pumped?  What if there really is a God, and it is frowned upon to kill yourself?  What if there is an afterlife, and you only get punished even more than you're being punished now?"

Logic never shuts up.  He/She keeps on going.  "And who will take care of your dogs and bird?  Who will make sure the husband doesn't drive himself off a cliff after dialysis with a blood pressure reading of 80 over 15?   Does he even know what pills he needs to take?  Cholesterol?  Blood Pressure?  Anti-Depressants?  Does he know how to use the insulin pen?"

He/She doesn't stop there.  "And what about your son?  Yeah, sure he's 18...Almost 19 now.  But he forgets to take his shots.  He still needs someone to kick him in the butt and remind him to keep plugging at it for his high school diploma, because that's important."

Depression says nothing.

Love steps in and says, "Yes, no one will be able to take care of them, but that's why depression is there.  Depression is around because Self isn't taking care of itself."

Alright, so there's this whole battle going on inside my head.  Everyone thinks they know what's best for me, but I'm the one that has to have the best judgment.

Last night was pretty bad. I had a rotten day, and then my husband was joking around with me.  Instead of laughing, I cried.  I CRIED!!!

Today, I told someone I'd work for them, but I had no idea they would pull these last-minute conditions on me.  Now I have to pick up kids in an un-air-conditioned bus!!!!  To top it off, the building still has no air.

So yeah, it's depressed me.  And then I think I can go to my one and only salvation online...only to find out the notifications aren't even for me.

It's not anything really, but for me, it was the icing on the cake.

What's even worse is I have to get up very early in the morning....And I'm wasting my time venting on a blog rather than writing the story I have in my head...And for what?  Because I'm hurt, and no one cares.

No one wants to hear you complain.  It's so funny, because all I do is hear EVERYONE in my life complain...But when I do it, no one wants to hear it...


So here's to another blog that goes ignored...


~~DJ