Dreams

I'm a little annoyed as I see these post that state we only dream of what we know.  I call it bullsh*t.

I'll give you a clear as day example.

I can remember being in the third grade and dreaming I was in the school hallway of a school I've never seen before, and I waved at a boy I've never met before.

Flash forward to a year later....The dream I had the year before was the image that was happening.

I had no idea we would be moving.  I had never seen that school prior to my dream.  I've never seen that boy prior to my dream.

We as humans are not given enough credit just as to how much we can use our brains.  Einstein once said we only use 10% of our brains....What about the other 90%?  Couldn't it be used for premonitions or telekinesis?  I know a lot of religious goers will say this is the devil speaking...But oh well!

I only know what I know.  I just get tired of seeing the same posts telling us it's impossible to dream of those or things we've never seen or been to before.  It's ridiculous.  Open your mind to possibilities.

That is all.

DJ

Ships

Normally I would just write poetry, or refer to myself in third person under an alias name so others won't take so much offense to what's on my mind.

Not everything I write is going to be about a certain person.  That is why I never stipulate a name or the gender of the person I'm referring to.  I'm just talking--er, writing--in general.

If others' take it to heart what I'm writing about, it is then I know I've obviously hit a sore spot.  Even though I may or may not be talking about them. But even if so.  If you think I'm calling you out on your sh*t, why behave that way to begin with?

In any case, I lost my train of thought.  I'll be the first to admit I have my busy moments and by the time I wind down, I tend to forget to reply to someone.  But to tell you the truth, the longest lapse is probably about an hour or so.

Sometimes I'll let days pass depending on who I'm chatting with, so they can see how it feels.  Not that they care anyway.

Those are the one-sided ships I have been mentioning about.

And by "ship", I mean any kind of relationship.  Whether it be friendship, family ship, or a romantic relationship.  The rules should apply to everyone.  There shouldn't be exceptions made to the rule just because you're blood or you've known the person since you were three years old.

For years I've tried to keep the communication lines open.  I've tried asking people how their day was going.  I tried to keep the conversation going.  Then I'd get a response like, "Good."  But I'd get that response many days later.

Everyone is "busy".  I believe "busy" is a made-up term for saying, "Sorry, I know we've hung out a few times but, truth be told, I really don't want to talk to you."

It's fine. I get it.  I'd prefer if people were more  honest with me rather than drag my heart out on the street.  I'm busy too.

I have a husband who is sick.  I have a dog who is going senile.  I have a son who has medical issues.  I have a job that gives you no options to purchase affordable health insurance.  I have a forgetful grandma who will keep calling you until you talk to her.  I have housework to do like laundry and cleaning up.  And also I want to keep healthy with exercise and such.  Not to mention there's the once a week blog I've promised to post that I've been failing to do.

The list is endless.  Shall I go on?  There's no need.

I've seen television shows where the good guy gets captured by the bad guy.  All the good guy was trying to do was to try and stop the bad guy before others get hurt.  The good guy never seems to explain why they are saving the day; they just go and save the day the best way they can.  It's always the bad guys that are explaining why they have to destroy the day.

I just don't give out excuses...well, except for when I'm blogging...because it's not going to make the other person feel good when you tell them you've been busy.  There are some days where I don't feel so chatty, and so I'll say to said person, "Hey, we'll chat some other time, OK?"

Unfortunately for me, no one is ever happy when I tell them that, yet somehow it's alright for me to accept it when it's said to me.

That, my friend, are what is called a one-sided ship.

That's a toxic way to live.  No one should have to live like that.

No one should only have friends when life is going good for you and you're finally in a good place.  A person should be there for you all the time.  They should be there for you when you have kidney failure, or are diagnosed with cancer.  They should be there for you when your kid gets sick and is in the hospital.  They should be there when a loved one dies.

They should be there when you need a ride somewhere.  I know I was that person that was there for all my friends during their down times.  When I had my down times, they were gone.  I've since learned how to deal with life on my own, without friends.

And you know what I've learned?

I'm actually happier this way.

And then I had to start applying the same rule to family.

I got close to someone in my family a few years ago, and I got hurt badly.  At first you chalk it up to saying something like they're young, they'll learn.  But I've watched as the young grew older, and guess what?  They don't change.

Therefore, it's just their nature.

And while I have forgiveness in me, I'm not stupid.  I'm not mad either.  Yeah, that's what others say about me.  I've heard how bitter and mean I am when I have an opinion about something.  But I'm not mad.  I really am not mad at all.

I'm just cautious.  The saying goes if you don't learn from history you are doomed to repeat it.  Well this chicky ie., me, doesn't want to repeat history.  I think learning my lesson the first time is good enough.  Having to learn my lesson a second or third time would be just sheer stupidity on my behalf, and in which case, I would have deserved it.

If ever there were a case where I don't reply back to a text, it would be because either I never got the text or I was in the middle of something and forgot to reply back.  It doesn't happen often, but it happens.

OK, well!  This post is going to stay here where no one will read it.  I am just not ready for everyone to read this just yet.

DJ

40.8

40.8 Giving Thanks Means...

2pts:  Writer's Choice
Use the word empyreal in a sentence.

Empyreal:  Pronounced:  Em-PIR-ee-uhl
adjective-
1. Pertaining to the sky; celestial; empyreal blue
2. Pertaining to the highest heaven in the cosmology of the ancients


1pt:    Writer's Choice
Include a quote from Audioslave




"I am the highway."

--Audioslave


Picture:

Giving thanks means to me
Remembering to always be
Every time; not just one day
In ways to set your mind free

Trapped inside a nightmare
Balancing on sweet dreams
Changing of the turning tides
Is what giving thanks means
©Diana Jillian 11/25/15



Sorry for this.  I was going to wrap up the chapter story here but I am running out of time.  Rather than having to feel pressured....I'll just do this and hopefully I can get the story finished next week...

I will always do what is right,
Rather than what's in my heart.
What's right turns to my heart
And it tears my thoughts apart

I watch as empyreal mourns
Over all that which I am torn
Cause I'm much like a library
Memories of the past reborn

My path has already crossed
Solemn vow voids sacred day
And it is too late to reconsider
Even if I am the only highway

My feelings cannot be truthful
I'll never choose to reciprocate
Afraid of karma looking about
I have sealed my only true fate

This chance cannot mean to be
Love was never meant for me

©Diana Jillian 11/28/15




Sorry, but I have no guesses this week.  I can't believe it's Saturday.  I wanted to write another chapter but  was busy with work...

DJ

39.8

I'll make a pitiful attempt to guess this week!

Blogophilia Week 39.8 Topic:

It All Started When...(LETA)

(Hard, 2pts)::  Include a lyric or a line from singer Mary Wells (CHRISTOPHER)



((Easy, 1pt)):  Incorporate the word "wayfarer" into your blog (TYLER)

Wayfarer--Noun.  A person who travels from place to place usually by walking.

Full definition of WAYFARER--A traveler especially on foot.

Wayfaring--Adjective.  

This week's bonus pic: (STORMY)

And in honor of last weeks events:

I am not even sure where this blog is going to take me.



I think I do now.  On Wednesday, I woke up with a plan in mind.  I don't get how it seems so simple to map out your day because nothing ever goes as planned.  I wanted to mail my friend out a birthday gift because it takes a good two weeks for it to arrive.

I was practically berated by the postal worker because my package wasn't properly taped and that I didn't have an address on it despite the customs form I had filled out because the last time I got berated for not having a customs form filled out.

I just walked out and decided I'll probably do so today.  But Wednesday brought on a bout of depression.  I just cried.  I thought I was over it, but Thursday came and went, and now Friday is here.  I still feel the funk.  I don't know if it's because I'm sick because I'm neutropenic, or if it is an actual bout of depression.

I wasn't even going to write this, but then I thought to myself I should get it done.  I put effort into the research before my depressed state of mind hit.  Who knows?  Maybe something will happen as I write this.

I just feel like it all started when I was born.  My mom almost didn't name me Diana Jillian.  I was going to be David.  She thought for sure I was to be a boy.  Then she thought of Diana, and then she thought Beth would be a good middle name for me.  Just Beth.  Nothing else.  Not short for Bethany or Elizabeth...but just Beth.

I felt in my heart I was a wayfarer of the soul....Like I've done nothing but roamed on foot from place to place in various past lives.  And when I arrived into this life, I felt like I was destined to be someone.

Seasons came and seasons gone.  Years have passed and now nearing into my 40's, I feel I've allowed those around me to defeat me.

I really wish there was a time machine.  I would at least go back...not to meet myself per se, but more to write my 10 year old self a letter telling her not to listen to what others say.  I would tell her that when she turns 13, she'll want to go into acting.  I'll tell her that her mother will tell her if it was meant to be, she would have put her in acting a long time ago.

I would have told her about being neutropenic and the challenges she would face.

I would leave a note telling her to silence those voices and do what you want.

Life, you took my heart, and you broke it apart.

I continue to not understand anything.  I hope I don't find my utopia in death.

DJ

Last

I want to write the last bit of my story.  I think I actually had an epiphany.  It all started when I got my hours cut.  I worked every single day in the month of October...with the exception of three days.

Don't jump to conclusions when I write a random thought in here.  I've had to change my story telling from my perspective, to the perspective of a made up character named Mandy in order to show that I just write what the prompts give me.

Last week's topic felt a bit random...And recently I had given up on something.  It doesn't mean anything more than that.  It didn't mean that I got annoyed at the notifications not being for me.  It didn't.  I'm a big girl, I know what to expect.

I'm not expecting a sunset on my life any time soon these days.  And while life is short, you still have a long life to live.  It's all about your perception.

When I had horrible friends, I wanted a short-lived life.  Once I got rid of them and all their negative juju...however you call it...I started looking forward to getting older.  There is a saying I see lurking around the internet that says something like getting old is a privilege denied by many.  I believe that's true.

I can't remember what's what anymore these days, which is an odd thing considering I never forget anything.  I changed accounts so much it's probably made heads spin.  Or it's still spinning as we speak!!!

Like driving around in a car, and having a donkey run the engine?  IDK.  I'm looking at this picture and thinking...what the???

I was going to make a list of quotes and put them in artwork....I got lazy, but here's one:

Just so you know I wasn't kidding about the artwork:

I don't know why I titled this blog "Last."  I just did.  I was getting somewhere but...well...I forgot!

DJ