Clara

Hey Everyone!!!



This blog is about a grandma of mine I do not know.  Her name was Clara.

Let me give a little background info on how I even know my bio dad's side of the family at all.

You see, it all started the summer before turning four years old.  My great-grandma Toby (Tosha was her real name. She was a Jew from Poland) passed away from cancer.  When she died, my grandma Eileen's  (Tosha's daughter) meddling sisters, wanted to sell my great-grandma's house and the business she ran (Called Toby Lee, a clothing store for women in Brooklyn), and of course the condo she owned in Puerto Rico.

My grandma Eileen insisted on buying it outright but her sisters were adamant on it and was like NO.  We will sell everything and split the profit into three.  Whatever.  The other two sisters already had all the money in the world.  WTF would they have wanted more money other than to see my grandma not succeed in life?  That's the way I look at things.

So my grandma, the pushover that she is, accepted their terms.  She took what little money she had left to find a place to live.  The cheapest she could find was a fixer upper house out in Long Island (I bet that was suggested by my aunt as she was in real estate at that time.).

In any case, I lived happily ever after there in a little town called Hewlett on Long Island.  But that was a past life.  My life turned to shit pretty much the summer before my ninth birthday.

Anyway, my real dad started looking for me when I was 13, though I have to laugh at that because he always knew where I was.  When I was 16, I saw him for the first time since I was two years old.

I saw him once more when I was 19, and actually got to meet his family.  I met his sister and his brothers....I even got to meet his parents.

They were speaking to me in Hungarian as if I was supposed to understand the language.  And according to my aunt, it was my grandma's fault for keeping me in hiding.

NO ONE WAS HIDING ME.  ANYONE COULD HAVE FOUND ME.

But alright, let's roll with that excuse and believe their lies.

So that's how I know about that family.  I have an aunt that I keep in touch with...er, well, somewhat, on FB.  It's more like I have to email her to find out what's new and even then no one knows anything.

Anyway, I guess my grandma was really sick and had been for sometime now.  She battled breast cancer and strokes?  I'm not sure about that last part.

Well on Wednesday October 1st, I got an email from my aunt stating that her mother had passed away on Monday.  I went looking at her profile and wouldn't you know?  Others knew about this before me.

Whatever....Doesn't bother me.

Or does it?

Because if it didn't bother me I wouldn't be writing it....Right?

It doesn't.  I really didn't know her and it's not like either one of us made an effort to go out and see each other.  Though I have to admit the times I was in NY I was without a vehicle but I offered several times to take a train out to see them.  I never heard back from them ever.  It was always some lame excuse as to why they couldn't see me.

Fine.

Because of them, I have learned to be truthful even if it hurts.  I'd rather someone be honest to me than to lie to me and I find out the truth later on anyhow.

What did I inherit from my grandma other than big boobs and psoriasis?

I knew nothing about her and will probably never know because they were all liars...

Although I was told that her name was Clara, spelled with a K.  I don't even know if Stern was their real last name.  I mean a German name in Hungary?

Well, that's all I have to say about that.

I really don't have much else to say about Clara and my bio dad's family.

Other than that I wish them well, and I have no ill feelings towards them.  They are who they are.  I either have to accept that, or walk away forever.

RIP Clara who I never knew...

~~DJ































Memoir, Random, Blog,

The One You Don't Know

...And as the morning madness lies awake

A subtle gesture soon under attack

As though I am drowning in the lake

Drive through my heart the stake

For my heart's already cold and black

Far down to Miami from New York City

More like Sarasota but same difference

Even so, I still find it kind of shifty

More like it's a tragic kind of a pity

You don't see me hidden behind the fence

Time comes and goes; crashes into the shore

And yet, you never once ask me about my day

Instead my heart stops, crumbles to the floor

And you never ask me if there is anything more

Than a day shattered, and thrown far away

...And instead of awakening into the light

It's a shame we no longer stop to say, "Hello."

We stumble and fall; losing our step in flight

In the corner of your eye, never noticed in slight

The girl behind the fence that you didn't know

 Written 10/5/14 by ©Diana Jillian
































Poem,

A Tiring Day

Hey Everyone!!!

I spent all of Tuesday and last night in an awakened stupor.  I don't even know how else to explain it.  I had way too much on the noggin lately, and this was after the fact of reading an article on how to stop over-thinking.  Where do I start?

Hi!  My name is Diana, and I'm an over-thinker.  I'm at the 12 step programs all over again.  But the truth is, we all battle addictions of some sort.  They don't have to be drug, gambling, or alcohol related.  We're human; designed with flaws.

But who really labels them as flaws?  I'd like to believe it's those that make the surface of themselves seem perfect, when really, they're broken-down inside.

The problem is I'm not broken.

It's like that Evanescence song Hello:  "Don't try to fix me I'm not broken."  I can always post the link.




Anyway, that wasn't what I was getting at....I think...Er, I'm not sure.  I am really sleep-deprived and sore right now.  I feel like my energy has been drained completely.

This happens to me sometimes...Especially when I'm in public places for too long.  I pick up on the energy of strangers.  I have to learn how to block more.  Eh, I shall shut up about that now.

In any case.  I've been babysitting for Andy's great-niece.  I know Andy and I have been together for the past 15 years, but I still don't feel comfortable calling his nieces and nephew/great-nieces/nephew my nieces/nephews, let alone great-nieces and great-nephews.

For one thing, I'm too young to be considered an aunt to people that are 28, 26, and 24....Now I'm old enough to be an aunt to a 7, 4 and 3 year old, but a great aunt?!?!?!?  Did I miss something???  There is a huge gap between mine and Andy's age.  Well, not really.  But we are 11 years apart.

His mother is two years older than my grandma.  My mom had me just two days before her 19th birthday.  I have cousins for crying out loud that are younger than his nieces and nephews.  It's just all....WEIRD.

In any case...Yes, In any case again....I said to myself about 5 years ago...If I can't have any more kids, then I do NOT want to be babysitting.  I don't want to be a preschool teacher anymore.  It pains me to be around such bright little kids and not be able to go home to one.

I'm sorry but it does.  So I have this "don't care" switch (or so to speak) that I have to turn off because if I don't, I would have lost it a long time ago.

So here's my shut off switch...Not giving a sh*t has kicked in...YEAH!!! RIGHT!!!  Someone has always got to turn my switch back on even when I turn it off.

Four years ago I was asked to babysit for four girls.....Then three years ago I had gigs here and there.  Two years ago the same and last year I went back to watching I kid who had just turned 9.  The last time I watched her before was when she was 4 and her mom grew jealous of our relationship, so she decided to keep the kid home with some random stranger that was living in her house at the time.  I just edited what I really wanted to say but I think you catch my drift.

Not to mention, I was taking Andy's great-nephew to school on specific days.  That wasn't so bad.  But now I have been babysitting his 4 year old great niece.

Don't get me wrong.  She's a dynamic girl.  She's got a fantastic personality...She's so bubbly and funny and full of life.....But reality sets in...She's not mine and I cannot keep her.

I get I was volunteered to watch her...That's fine.  I'm used to being used like a worn out dish-rag and all...But when I meant I DIDN'T want to be around kids....I REALLY MEANT IT!!!

I'm gonna go because the shut off switch to not caring seems to be busted and the water works button seems to be in full effect.

~~DJ
































Random, Blog

Exhaustion

I don't know how
I thought that I wanted...
Now I look back
And think
What the f*ck was I thinking???

Too much
Too much
Just way too much!!!!

Peeling back the layers
Watching my existence
Slowly die
Rotting flesh
Wrinkling
Getting older

It sucks

And yet
I still dare dream
Like a naive child

When will I learn?

When it gets to be
Too much

Written by ©Diana Jillian 9/25/14


















































Poem, No Rhyme,

Am I Remembered?

AM I REMEMBERED?

I am lost in the world of the unknown
I sigh as I keep looking in the rear view mirror
I keep on torturing myself, unbeknownst to me

Why?

It's beyond me

I often wonder if those I had once left behind
Left them behind, I might say, for good reason
Do they ever even stop to think about me?

When a birthday passes by
Or a silly, subtle little reminder
Was I ever really on their minds?

Was I ever really a care?
In the lost pretend world of make-believe
As we now all know how Hollywood writers feel

Closeness of friends and family doesn't exist like it does on TV
You are a forgotten thought, forever lost in a cobweb of memory
To only be thought of only when it's convenient for them

Thank you for f-ing with my mind, Hollywood
And now I know why I no longer buy into your propaganda
You give a falsely sense of comfort, only to rip it away with reality

Why?

It's beyond me.

Written 9/22/14 by ©Diana Jillian



































Poem, No Rhyme,